Friday, March 25, 2011

emotionally dry

I'm confused and pretty much upset mainly myself.

Yesterday I was discussing stuffs with my friends, let just say we were discussing a secret project. And I was proposing the dirty way of doing it, which will short cut the whole things because I'm pretty sure no one would want to follow the right way and no one would want to take the responsibility once the consequences appeal.

He paused and said: No, I'm a religious* person, I can't do that. I'm not gonna do that.
Something shock me just like a slap on the face.

I felt so heavy hearted. I felt so guilty and sinful. I'm an ethic. A pantheist perhaps, so yes I do believe in God. A free thinker whom believe in right and wrong. Good and Bad. Somehow, I missed myself. I was intended to commit the crime that I do not wish anyone I know should do it (It's not a crime crime, don't worry).

The other fact that is hurtful is I'm trying so hard not to turn to ones and yet I open my mouth without noticing what I've said and automatically to be ones whom commit sin. Commit things that against my principle. Against my belief.

I felt I've betrayed God, my self, my principles and my very own belief.
What do I do now? I'm trying to deal with my lost self, deal with my sinful thought that keep replay in my head. So, wish luck and keep me courage, would you?

* replacing the religion.

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