Happy Ending by Mika

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

Lingering

It's scary and depressed, and desperate knowing what lie ahead waiting for oneself in the future. You've seen it or predict it, you'd be able to change it but what if you did not want to change? And yet, it's torturing to live with it.
There is no what if in this case, I just did not want to change anything yet. I do not know why do I want to preserve this memory and the past to live with me in the future, but somehow, that is so far the most comforting to have at the moment.
Would you cry over the lost of something you've never had?

The Nation's Greatest Lost

Deepest condolences to the Nation’s greatest lost, RIP King Norodom Sihanouk. 

Cambodia's former King Norodom Sihanouk, pictured in July 1941 [picture from Time.com]

Chinese police escorted Cambodia’s former King Norodom Sihanouk’s body from a Beijing hospital to the airport Wednesday, October 17th, 2012, morning for its return to Phnom Penh, where tens of thousands are expected to line a mourning route. King Norodom Sihanouk’s body will remain in the palace for three months, during which time the public can pay respects before it is cremated according to Buddhist ritual. [Boston.com]

Though, I am not in the country, the sorrow shed and I felt the heart ache as the beloved former king had passed. 

There's no party that never end. And this is the end of his journey, life goes on and another to begin.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. [Psalm 34:18]. 

[ Read more: http://world.time.com/2012/10/15/cambodias-mercurial-former-king-norodom-sihanouk-dead-at-89/#ixzz29Wj4vu93 ]

Discrete delusions

Monday returns and I am reluctant to move and get myself off bed to work, though I know I feel rather ridiculously unproductive since i was unfocused since the past couple of days.

The past weekend was eventful, sport, orchestra, party and friends gathering. Weirdly, I found myself lost in an unknown track. I felt empty.
The beautiful orchestra pieces were played, the violinists drown themselves in the rhythm and yet I was rather feel uneasy knowing I was missing out something else while I'm listening to this.

Something I thought I would never need it since I stepped out and fight with the world, and today I found myself eager in a delusional feeling and longing for it.

The pictures came clearer of what I want and what I need. I listen to myself and gasp why didn't I realize this a little bit earlier. I'm lost in words.

With doubt, I need to be stronger if I decided that this is what I want. Discipline and rules to be complied.

This has to be done soon enough.

My recollection of you is fading, and I do not want that.
It was a painful, after 4 years it still is.

Only regret

This is stupid. I blame you! Why didn’t you talk to me? you always do. why not this time?

I blame me for not able to talk as much as before.
I blame me for not responsive enough and find time for you. :(
And now I only can be sorry for what I have not done enough, for you.

I only want to know why do you give up so quickly?

Good night now, forever it will be.

RIP my dear Chris, for whatever reason I pray that you will never have to carry the pain with you when you left us. You know I’ll miss you, I do.

Odd hour phone call

Mother called this very morning at 5.31am. I hesitated to pick up while my heart was racing and wondering what could it be at this odd hour.

She asked if I'm ok, she had a bad dream and she misses me very dearly.
My tears started to roll down on the cheeks with heavy heart and indescribable feeling.

It was a quick phone call, and she just wished to know if I'm safe and sound.

I was and I am very selfish, I left the two old folks at home and gone out for adventures.
How can I not think of them feeling? Of course I have, I just never thought it would be this hard. And it even more harder seeing them grow older without my sight.
The benefit of having them being physically comfort and emotionally comfort is the weight that cannot be traded.
Don't take this the wrong way, it was never be a burden. This has always been the great opportunity for me to fulfill and make them happy in any way.

Mother and Father, I am sorry for not being as close as possible.
I could but I was neglected the opportunities of doing so.
I cross my heart and promise to balance the weight, not because I have to, because I wanted to and because I love you.

FYI

Have you ever feel like you are the monster or the devil among the crowds?
Like the freak that ruins everybody life every single day if chance is given?

I have. I am feeling it now. Very much that it disgusts me.
The best part is when people started to compare you and someone else that you would rather die being them. That is plain humiliation. Plain insult.

I am not here for your entertainment. I am here for a reason to change thing that you can't change. And this is the rewards for me? A lesson to go through life, perhaps.

Well, Screw You!
You don't like it? That's just too bad then.
Compare if you must, drag me down if you have to, but I am not giving a shit about you!

p.s. this post is just FYI

let there be force, let there be grace

I have received the rather demotivated news recently.
How do I feel? Greatly demotivated, unsatisfactory and unfairly treated...and why is this keep happening?

And all I think was don't tell me I can turn to God, because he certainty can't do anything now.

A good friend of mine reminds me...

Him, the almighty..
if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it
TRUST IN HIM

Sometimes God put us in a situation so He can mold us to be what He wants us to be
We just have to submit to Him and go through the molding process..
it's always His time, not ours, His way, not ours... remember this.
When the time is right, you will one day realized why He put you through such pain

I understand she was trying to calm me down and to think clearly by looking through what God have in me and keep me in a little faith.
Psychologically, I don't really know how much longer I can take this pain. I try my very best to go through it but at a split second, I realize I am just a normal human being who need a shoulder to cry on, a heart to talk to and a fair deal of life.

Keep those little prayers on for me, would you?

emotionally dry

I'm confused and pretty much upset mainly myself.

Yesterday I was discussing stuffs with my friends, let just say we were discussing a secret project. And I was proposing the dirty way of doing it, which will short cut the whole things because I'm pretty sure no one would want to follow the right way and no one would want to take the responsibility once the consequences appeal.

He paused and said: No, I'm a religious* person, I can't do that. I'm not gonna do that.
Something shock me just like a slap on the face.

I felt so heavy hearted. I felt so guilty and sinful. I'm an ethic. A pantheist perhaps, so yes I do believe in God. A free thinker whom believe in right and wrong. Good and Bad. Somehow, I missed myself. I was intended to commit the crime that I do not wish anyone I know should do it (It's not a crime crime, don't worry).

The other fact that is hurtful is I'm trying so hard not to turn to ones and yet I open my mouth without noticing what I've said and automatically to be ones whom commit sin. Commit things that against my principle. Against my belief.

I felt I've betrayed God, my self, my principles and my very own belief.
What do I do now? I'm trying to deal with my lost self, deal with my sinful thought that keep replay in my head. So, wish luck and keep me courage, would you?

* replacing the religion.

I'll remember that

Today, a colleague of mine said something to me before she hanged up the work call:

Sophea, May God be your strength and May God bless you. Take care ya.

My heart stopped for a second. I paused and said,

Amen, thank you Maria.

I don't know what I feel. Do I feel guilty for not being very nice speaking to her before she said such beautiful thing to me? Do I feel sad for what I do? Do I feel pathetic for what I have not manage to control my emotion over stress? Do I feel angry when I try to get things right and it ain't? And everything just right in front of me.

My job is not the hardest job in the world, but I'm having a hard time with it sometime. And there are time that I get pass through it easily and there ain't. And that sucks.

I wish I could remember to count from one to ten before I asnwer the questions.

It was the tragic news hits me the yesterday night. I first was told around 17 people were killed during the stampede crowed in Phnom Penh on the last day of Water Festival.
We pray for those who survived in the hospital and hope they will be ok.

Not long afterward, I received an update from a friend who keep his eyes on the news that hundreds were killed. We were all in shock and couldn't believe what we have heard.

At this morning, around 7 to 8am, the number of death keeps increasing. This would be one of the biggest tragedy that hits the whole nation.

May those who lost their live would rest in peace, May those who still survive could live.

Reference:
From CNN
From FoxNews
From BBC
and VOANews

Don't promise me, when you know you can't keep it.
Because you have no idea how hard it is to mend the crushed hope.

a confession of a failure

Struggling with no momentum had never been very helpful. I tried to stay in but yet I'm out of focus. Have I got no discipline and commitment? If you do not know the answer, I'm telling you it's a NO, else I would have been done it with pride.

Being the first to quit, bringing me a shame and guilt to live in. I always tell myself that "I don't quit, We don't quit" And here I am, writing a confession of the guiltiness that I have quit before I'm done my time. It's a very own failure experience I have done in times and life. I have not learn much about myself, living and times.

Apologies will never enough to redeem and exempt myself, I could only blame from what I have done for all these years. I let myself down, I did not follow my own goal and ideal. I the only one to blame.

I am sorry.

Till page 66, I read. Positive quotes, I read. I felt bothered, I am moody. I keep reading the positive words and thinking about them. I keep reminding myself I don't want to be the bad guy that I told myself this morning when I got up.

Have you ever once got tired of things and really tired that you will not care anymore and you just want to drop it and let bad things happen and you will be the bad guy? I do. This morning was one of the day that I told myself I want to be the bad guy. I am angry with things that happen ain't the way I want it to be. I am angry with things why I should be bother to care if no one would care about me? I am angry.

I took one step back and think.
That's not who I want to be, the bad guy, not even a day.
I've been wishing for the star from the above and outreach my hands.
And I got disappointed when I was not granted one.
I have to live with my fear and the reality that things will not be the same way as I want it to be.

I was waiting and I'm waiting and waiting.
When it's here, I'm burst.
And I'm burst just because I was waiting too long and it's here just like that, way too easy.
I know I shouldn't have but who am I kidding with?
I'm just a human. A human being who might or have emotionally handled the matters.
Again like every other time I will sit down with heavy heart and watch thing pass by sadly.
Just because the emotion overwhelming.
And you have no idea how it feels like.

It all because of Stupidity

Here's the thing, if you're hygiene and love cleanliness, that's great. But when you overdo it and/or do it with your stupidity I think you might as well die dirty.

The day before I was woken up around 5.30am, yes in the freaking morning before the dawn break, by a very loud noise. Out of the blur, all I saw was my desk and my laptops were soak in soap water. Out the window this is what I saw...



Without thinking I just quickly dried up and clean up the mess. While cleaning I thought, who the heck will clean the house at this hour... continue wiping.... my family photo, my laptops, my back up disks, my speakers, my everything on the desk were wet... the fire was burning me inside out. Who the fuck so stupid will put the bucket and the mop by the window that barely has any space sided?

He or she has one brain but it ain't working~!

This is not the end. After cleaned up, I went out side the house and check the above floors and saw the damage from outside...


My window was broken very badly. The frame was out shape and the glass was totally gone.



According to the scene and the left over pieces, I assumed the above floor tenant was trying to clean God-knows-what-the-hell-is-that near the window, hence, they put the bucket and mop by the window and it slipped out and fall right on my window.

I first wasn't very freak out by this because accidental might just happen out of carelessness that's why it is call accident. But when I was trying to move the window in a bit, pieces of glass started to drop, there I STOP. And it got me the whole morning and keep thinking if it drop and hurt somebody down there. I had to leave office and settle the damn window by take down piece by piece of the broken glass.

While I was at it, my friend and I walk door to door and asked 'Whether or not they have lost the mop and a red bucket? and whether they usually wake up early in the morning?' It narrowed down to one house, one room and one girl.

I got her name, I got her contact but I didn't call her. I left her a note and show her what happen to my window. Yes I know, she most likely will do nothing about it and won't admit she did. Even though, she kept it to herself and kept quiet, she will live with guilt for the rest...at least couple of days or weeks!

*ring*ring*

me: hello?
user: I want my password.
me: may I know who is on the line?
user: blah blah from blah blah blah
me: okay... blah blah balh

Excuse me!!?? Do I look like a psychic that know who the fuck are you through the phone?
For crying out loud... can you at least say hello or introduce yourself first? My god!!!
whathefuck lah.... I received more than 2 calls with this kind of conversation.... shit lah

Dear Mr. PM

This is some idea how to develop a country....

Start from here...

Whatthefuck.. I was stuck in the jam for an hour and a half when I supposed to reach office in 15mn.


For fucking 30 years and it still the same...what the....

a very angry comment on some idiots...[Parental Advise]

Ooo my lord... how can one become a SENIOR Administration Executive when one so fucking dumb and lazy.

You* are such a fucking shit head who sit there and shape up your nails, complain about how suck is your job, complain about how suck the government is, gossip about the two who just recently dating. Have you ever think about yourself?

You call yourself a Senior AE? I doubt your qualification. You can't even handling a computer!! You know what is your job scope? If you don't know, nahhh read this...


Administration Executive:

Job Purpose

Handling administrative functions for the department.

Main Accountabilities

• Assisting in drafting and typing letters
• Organising / maintaining / handling/ filing all internal and external correspondence
• Arranging appointments, organize meetings/conferences
• Coordinating travel arrangements for staff on work matters
• Following up with staff and/or clients on reports
• Assisting in preparing reports
• Assisting/attending to all incoming calls for the department
• Assisting in updating timesheets and handling of claims
• Taking department meeting minutes
• Conducting research and maintenance of clients’ profiles and proposal database
• Coordinating all the training courses and maintain a staff training records
• Maintaining scheduling record
• Handling stationery requisition, printing, binding and general logistics support




Clear enough now? Have you done any of these today? or maybe yesterday? I bet not. And you have four people to assist you... what the fuck is that!!

"Oh I've got urgent things to do lah... " blah blah blah...

Do you think others so fucking free and voluntarily to do your job?
Has it ever occur to you that....If I'm not an SAE why would I do YOUR job?

A little ideal here: If I sold you a car, it DOES NOT MAKE ME YOUR DRIVER!!!

Or is it you keep your brain in the fridge at home?
Oh wait ... you can't answer me that because you did not have any right now!

Oh no, you DO have one now, but you can't use it.
Because you such a shit head! Your brain is full of shit. Awww so poor poor thing....

HEY YOU OVERTHERE!! WOULD YOU JUST GET UP ALREADY, WHY ARE YOU KEEP SLEEPING IN THE OFFICE!!!

I hate when people who are just hired to provide such a simple service and just can't accomplish it.



Note: You* here is referred to the idiot whom I work with as an SAE! It's just work, not personal!