Discrete delusions

Monday returns and I am reluctant to move and get myself off bed to work, though I know I feel rather ridiculously unproductive since i was unfocused since the past couple of days.

The past weekend was eventful, sport, orchestra, party and friends gathering. Weirdly, I found myself lost in an unknown track. I felt empty.
The beautiful orchestra pieces were played, the violinists drown themselves in the rhythm and yet I was rather feel uneasy knowing I was missing out something else while I'm listening to this.

Something I thought I would never need it since I stepped out and fight with the world, and today I found myself eager in a delusional feeling and longing for it.

The pictures came clearer of what I want and what I need. I listen to myself and gasp why didn't I realize this a little bit earlier. I'm lost in words.

With doubt, I need to be stronger if I decided that this is what I want. Discipline and rules to be complied.

This has to be done soon enough.

Odd hour phone call

Mother called this very morning at 5.31am. I hesitated to pick up while my heart was racing and wondering what could it be at this odd hour.

She asked if I'm ok, she had a bad dream and she misses me very dearly.
My tears started to roll down on the cheeks with heavy heart and indescribable feeling.

It was a quick phone call, and she just wished to know if I'm safe and sound.

I was and I am very selfish, I left the two old folks at home and gone out for adventures.
How can I not think of them feeling? Of course I have, I just never thought it would be this hard. And it even more harder seeing them grow older without my sight.
The benefit of having them being physically comfort and emotionally comfort is the weight that cannot be traded.
Don't take this the wrong way, it was never be a burden. This has always been the great opportunity for me to fulfill and make them happy in any way.

Mother and Father, I am sorry for not being as close as possible.
I could but I was neglected the opportunities of doing so.
I cross my heart and promise to balance the weight, not because I have to, because I wanted to and because I love you.

Wake up to a new day and look closely at what you take for granted everyday -
chirpy birds that greet you, air to breathe, the sun that never fail to rise everyday.
Just appreciating what is and not hankering for more brings deeper joy into your life.
- [Grace & Gratitude: Celebrating Life's Blessings]

emotionally dry

I'm confused and pretty much upset mainly myself.

Yesterday I was discussing stuffs with my friends, let just say we were discussing a secret project. And I was proposing the dirty way of doing it, which will short cut the whole things because I'm pretty sure no one would want to follow the right way and no one would want to take the responsibility once the consequences appeal.

He paused and said: No, I'm a religious* person, I can't do that. I'm not gonna do that.
Something shock me just like a slap on the face.

I felt so heavy hearted. I felt so guilty and sinful. I'm an ethic. A pantheist perhaps, so yes I do believe in God. A free thinker whom believe in right and wrong. Good and Bad. Somehow, I missed myself. I was intended to commit the crime that I do not wish anyone I know should do it (It's not a crime crime, don't worry).

The other fact that is hurtful is I'm trying so hard not to turn to ones and yet I open my mouth without noticing what I've said and automatically to be ones whom commit sin. Commit things that against my principle. Against my belief.

I felt I've betrayed God, my self, my principles and my very own belief.
What do I do now? I'm trying to deal with my lost self, deal with my sinful thought that keep replay in my head. So, wish luck and keep me courage, would you?

* replacing the religion.

2.0.1.0

Time had just flew right off me O_o|| My Goodness, I was looking at my notebook and set the target for 2009 and after a blink I actually have to throw away my 2009 calendar already? Many things happen, many things changed and I rush myself to follow up things because else I will lost tracks over time heh.

Let see what I have done and got for myself all through the year...

1. Managed to bake quite a lot of stuffs which I really have so much more to learn XD
Cake of the year: Strawberry Cheesecake

2. Participated KL and Singapore Marathon

3. Attended several Orchestra and a stage play (I know it's nothing much, but it means something to me :P)

4. Went for facial treatment for the first time in my life!

5. Went to KL Tower for the first time

6. Went for Skytrex adventure for the first time (I just realized I never post about skytrex O_o|| FML)

7. Own a new laptop

8. Own a new phone

9. Own a DSLR

10. Own an Ipod

11. Own new furniture set

12. The most stunning achievement of the year: Got two promotions

13. The most pleasant achievement of the year: Traveling six times, been home three times

Not without family and friends, I wouldn't have this day. I thank you all for your supports by anyway or however you have given me directly or indirectly. I am really appreciate the time and the loves and cares. I sincerely cherish what I have with you all.

2010 resolution? naaa I'm not a resolution person... I rather set some targets heh... What say you? Join me?

By the way, Happy 2010 Everyone~ May you have a wonderful one *smiles*

Mom always tells me to take good care of myself. She does not know very much detail what I've been up to and going through everyday.
Life is a bitch sometime, but it's still good.

Some might wonder how could I survive alone all by myself in a foreign country. I'm no super woman, just like you, sometime I am dependent on something or someone.

What mom does not know as well is that I have a little family here with me. A little family that I could hold on to (most of the time).

Family of couple of people

People whom I share joy and tears with

People whom fill in my glass with warm and care

People whom I enjoy spending time with

People whom I share the same plate with

People whom believe in me


Every bit of moment, I am blessed and I believe in.

That's my little family.

what more could I ask for Christmas?

I've been away too long, too often

Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
There's a 50 in the ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here's a map and here's a Bible
If you ever lose your way

Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me

That's how the song goes...

Remembering of my mom's long hugs, asked me to take good care and dad's longed face after he kissed goodbye at the airport.

...and my tears rolled down the cheeks while taking the flight back to KL.

I've never seen my dad with such sad face...
I guess I've been away too long, too often :(

I am now back in Cambodia, in fact I'm here to work for about a week.
With the amount of workload and time line, I tend to see things differently and solve things in different direction. Some are good and some are not. Maybe it's the environment and/or the people I'm working with.

One day or another I felt so frustrated and unappreciated, then I started to google around (yeah, the term google means Search) for something to read.
I read motivational quotes, I read motivational stories.
Funny right? How can one feel different by just reading those? I don't know, I just can.

Obstacles are the things we see when we take our eyes off our goals.

There's so much of life to live. - quaintly.net

These words, keep me going. These thoughts keep me living.
Put a smile on your face, you'll never know who would fall in love with your smile.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone~

p.s. more posts and photos coming up~ stay tune *wings*

Get going...

I've been really off from blogging and other activities that I should be doing.
To be frank, I have no motivation to carry on what I have set for myself. It's sort of ruined. No one to be blame. I, as a human, sometime take thing very seriously and/or for granted.

I always tell myself to be very positive and chin up to succeed what I have planned for. And I always tell myself not to blame anyone or anything, for that reason, I am myself the one who choose my own path to walk. Day to day, I am getting weaker and dependent on things that I am wishing for. This is not a great idea, indeed.

It's time to seek my own passions and hit the road. I am no longer sitting and awaiting for hands to pull me up or someone to pour the juice of love over my dry soul.

You know what I like to do when I felt that I am lost? I will seek for spiritual thoughts and motivation. Seeing the truth of what I have and don't. What others have and don't, will give me a little hope on the road and the thought of who I am and where I am today...
If any of you feel the same, I hope you can get back on track and carry on your beautiful life...

Remember, always chin up~

lots of updates

It's been Couple of weeks I've stopped living my regular life.
I just repeat the routine and the circle of the living being from the awaken time to the end of the night. Avoid the distraction and remembering things that I do not wish to forget is not easy.
Things changed, I barely adapt to it but I'm trying. It's really hard.
Every now and then, I found myself sitting at the edge of the bed and washing my face with tears. Or all of the sudden, I found all the courage and live frugally with surprise and confident.
I'm losing it. I'm tired.

"Even though I'm gone but your life doesn't stop here, and so does mine."

Here's the update for the past two weeks that I've been idle...

First real Sunday after months, shopping @ Pavilion

Lunch @ The Loaf

Drink @ The Public Playground, TTDI Plaza

Sun set @ Cyberjaya

Dinner and Drink @ La Bodega, Telawi Street

Drink @ Republic, Sunway

Coming up next:

Another Sunday @ KL, KL Tower

and Night @ Brussels

As time passes by, people come and go but memory always stays.

There are many things that words can't describe...

I know I'm a little bit late and I've never thought I will ever post this entry too.
I remembered I told my friends that I love Michael's songs but I was just not obsessed with them. But it's definitely the type of the music that I can play it again and again over the years.
Today I watched MTV VMA 2009, the first speech was done by Madonna gave a tribute speech to Michael Jackson.

I do not know how to explain this feeling from her speech or even Janet's performance later on. But I felt the great lost of the most brilliant man on earth. I felt the sadness when Janet's performing in remembering her brother. I felt the emptiness when the dancers attempted the moonwalk and Michael's dancing styles.
I know, we all know, that Michael always lives in our heart and memories.

To Michael,

Like every other Sunday, I work. Like every other Sunday, I'm alone in the office. It's peaceful, though, sometime it makes me feel lonely. But not today.

I see the half full cup of coffee and the stain at the edge.
I see the half page written notebook and a headset.
It's just purely lovely scene or I would say my favorite things.
And I smile.

Typing from my laptop, sipping from a cup of coffee, listen to the song that I like, doing what I love to do.


I am living my life.

Are you?

Untitled

Yesterday, I sat down and had dinner with another four grown up. I called them grown up, at least that is how I felt about them. Being the youngest and single among all, I tended to keep quiet and listen more than usual. I though felt pressured for certain period while listening to the old timer story. Whilst my heart was like a horse racing and it beat faster at the moment of hearing the truth and the sweet lies.

While they were sharing their stories, I acknowledged myself that I should just listening and not to put myself in their shoes for the moment. Realizing life is very simple and yet can be so tricky and complicated. There are responsibility, love, commitment, care, family and etc. that you need to take into consideration. I was listening to a man that I have never been once giving my respect, I know I'm mean but at least I'm being honest, made me feel sorry for myself for being such a paranoid and hatred person. His story, his way to live his life, was so different from what I thought it would be. He might not be a perfect father nor husband but at least he had done or is doing what he think he should or have to do. And I respect that.

I will not going to details of what we were discussed about. But I would highlight this, whatever you thought it would be a bad happening or you don't like the way it appeared. It doesn't mean it will be the worst of all because you'll never know every side of the story at once.

I also finished reading another book titled, For One More Day. The story is about the love of the mother and son and how the son had never forgiven himself and felt ashamed of his life for committed a lie, the only lie. However, it tells me a different side of the story in comparison from what I have been through yesterday and another 9 thousands of yesterday.

I believe that, no man would deserve the hatred if he did what should be done. The lively spirit keeping its best to survive and fight for the righteousness in each day. It is the spirit to believe in when a man is truly living his life by growing through it and not feeling ashamed of being one.
And there are moments in life that you would feel ashamed or not feeling right of what you have done and what you should be doing. No matter what you're doing, just do it at your best. If it didn't turn out very well as you expected it. It's ok. Remember, it's ok.
No man have never make mistake if he have never done anything, we all do. Accept and Forgive is the key to begin a new step and love will always keep you in peaceful stage and wonderful mind.

There are thoughts in my mind that I could not take them out and put into words. I could only write this nonsense and hoping someone could ever feel and the way I feel.

Today's message

Got this message from Facebook's application... it sounds very encouraging.
So, there it is..

You are only as free as you imagine yourself to be...

There is nothing ''out there'' that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even the ''cannot'' and the ''should not'', but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.

I've never feel such loneliness before.
What happen?
I shut the door, sit by my window.
I feel empty. It's cold and blank.
I look out, it ain't the same Sunday night I ever had.
The lights across the street, they ain't the same no more.
They just ain't mine.
I don't feel attached here all of the sudden.
I'm puzzled. I'm tired.
I'm not homesick. I just feel empty.
Something is missing.
This is very wrong.
Whatever it is, I do hope it fades away soon.

As I am typing this, my heart is virtually breaking into pieces. Others told me not to take into account for what people had done and treat and made things worst.

The love I gave, the friendship I made I only wish for a long lasting, trust and respects.

Today, I did not know what you've been through. I did not know what you have in mind. I just did not know. I only asked for what it should be done. If I knew it cause our relation I would not have ask.

Yes, you are right. I am regret for losing you now.

Today, I have -1 (minus one) friend. I couldn't help but to feel really sad.
Even though, things might be sound ridiculous and I shall not care but to move on.
I could use a hug right now. I asked if I could cry. A friend told me Cry if it makes you feel better. I wish I could cry right now.

Good bye, my little friend. I have always been sincere to you, you may not know but I am. I feel sorry if you could not understand me. I feel sorry that I could not understand you. I feel sorry for our lost.

That is how my day ended. :(

The moment of truth

"plue_din: You are the shortest one with horrible temper."

I believe most of us have this moment when we heard the comments from others.

I don't have to think twice, it is true that I am not as tall as you and I have bad temper. But you know what? sometime I do not wanna hear all of these from you.

I have bad temper, I am sorry if I ever throw it at you. I cannot change myself as fast as I get to know you. The same thing apply to you that you cannot chagne yourself because you've never care about the people around you. I am trying my best to get along with you guys. You may teach me if I don't know, you may tell me if I am wrong, I am all ears. But I do not wanna hear the way you refer me as the shortest among the species. I know exactly how I look and I have never dressed up like a clown for you to judge SO just leave me alone as the way I am.

This is 100% true but it hurts, and it hurts a lot. When you are not good in something, you will never wanna hear people said YOU ARE BAD or YOU ARE HORRIBLE. All you wanna hear is: the not-good-yet, and the suggestion to improve on this and that. I believe we all wanna hear the good things. Those that claimed they wanna hear the bad comment so that they can improve, trust me, the moment you said they are bad they already hate you [the hatre might be gone after few minutes, no worry]. I did not mean you cannot comment the bad things, I just mean may be try to look around you first before you make a comment. Get to know your peopel and use different way of speech to give comment. It might help you like a lot.

You have your own character which you do not care what others people thinking or the environment you live in and you just wanna say it out because it is so true. And yes, you have the confident to do so, because you do not care that it might interfer with the people that about to hear whatsoever you are gonna say. And I cannot stop you from saying such a thing and what I can do is to let it go and being nice [nice as in act-like-nothing-ever-happen] though. I don't hate you for that [well...after few minutes you said] and I just have to bear in mind that I can't reach the top shelf of my cabinet because I am short. I can't walk in the same range with any of you because I am short. I can't talk in any beauty topic because I am short and so forth.

Because I just have to keep in mind that what you just said is absolute true no denial.

I also record down in my head right now that to whom that did not care my feeling, I shall not care about them as well. And so far, I have three records already. hahahaha

wowowow~ it's not a revenge. It is just the way it is. Just like I always said "What people do to you today is what you did to them yesterday." And No, I did not start it first, I only reflect back when I was once a victim.

Delusion vs Dejavu

My heart keeps pounding so fast with no reason. There is this little voice whispering behind my ears that, "something is not right, get ready for it". I wonder is it what they call Dejavu? I'm not sure what will happen but it is not gonna be good thing.


"...Surveys have revealed that as much as 70% of the population have had these experiences, usually between ages 15 to 25, when the mind is still subject to noticing the change in environment." [quoted from Wikipedia]

Mind is still subject to noticing the change in environment? I have notice the different and keep telling myself it is just me thinking too much. That means it is true that something is really not in the right place and it is not just my delusion.

Sigh~ I just hope it is not what is on my mind right now. [:(] It is too heavy to handle.
And I'm soooo scared of whatever is gonna happen right now. I fear of losing whatever I have right now. Losing things that cannot get back once I've lost it.