the sand clock by the seashore

Yesterday, I was very excited, little sad, nervous, very anxious and fearful.
All I knew was, I want you very badly. It's killing me once every few minutes when I remember that I won't be able to see you in the next day or next next day.

I guess the more I want you to be near, the more fear I'll have.

Yesterday, I witness another sad story. A breaking up story.
It reminds me when I was playing the very same role.
The sad that I had. How fearful I was. How much I wanted to save the day and made things better. But you know the more you want it to be fixed, the more cracks it will retain.
How fragile our relationship. How fragile our life being. It just couldn't get better everyday. Because we always want everything. Because we are greedy. Because we are human.

I almost cry by myself while comforting a friend who knock herself off because of the frailness of love. How many people will have to experience this?
The more you want things get better, it will never be. Because the time you chose is not the right time.
You were too tense to fix things. Fix yourself first. I was too tense and I wanted things to get better very badly. But it's never was. Because I'm broken and things just got out of hands very easily.

And you know what? I will never want you again. Because the more I see you the more I want you. The more I want you, the harder I'm trying. I have enough cracks on my heart.
Thank you for letting me sleep in your arms, thanks for being my blanket when I'm cold, thanks for the shoulder when I cry, thanks for the love you gave.

Each day I live by and I'm getting closer to the failure and disappointment. I then tell myself: look, I am not seeing the failure, I'm facing the reality and it will pay off one day.

I say, where I live is real.
I made mistake, I swallow my guts and I apologize.
The good I do today, no one know. But I'm happy.


p.s. I love you [even I've never told you so and you will never know it].